Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
