my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
