P.S. I can't hear my feet
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
