Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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