He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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