I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
