dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
