every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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