i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
