I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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