Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
