Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
