Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
