too bad you live with your parents still
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is Oprah even human
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
