you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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