Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
