bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
there is puke in my bra ... again
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
