I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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