I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
