a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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