Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
