she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
