I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
