Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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