Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
