seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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