Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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