It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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