I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
