he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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