Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
