Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
