What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
