I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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