I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
