tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
