Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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