Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We had to coat check the pizza.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
