I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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