First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
