you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
