Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
