Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize