sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
