the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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