I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
