just come out here and I will go home with you...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
