theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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