Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
ttyl tear gas
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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