I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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