So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
