Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
