I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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