Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
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What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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