my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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