I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You took a bar mat shot.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
