there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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