I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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