He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
