Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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